Self Doubt: The bad and the good

From 2 to 6: Doubting my inner worth

In June 2006, I had to mow the lawn. It may be the only time I’ve actually done that. Rick is almost always on top of that particular task, but this time he was injured and unable.

So I gathered all my womanly I-can-do-this self-talk and got out there. But the entire time, I couldn’t shake the feeling that all my neighbors were looking out their windows and watching me, and (what’s worse) judging me to be completely inadequate for the task. With every turn, I was doing it wrong. With every row, I was missing too much or overlapping too much.

I knew this was irrational, but I couldn’t shake it. I knew where it came from (hovering parents who valued a job done well and didn’t comprehend the impact on an individual’s psyche when they interrupt to offer correction), but that didn’t help me let it go.

And that was normal. I usually carried around a foreboding sense that I was being watched and judged as inadequate. How would I ever escape that paralyzing criticism?

At work, I came up with a strategy for at least fighting back. I started a “good job” folder, and I meticulously tracked my error rate per week so I could compare weeks and see where I was showing improvement. If someone said anything vaguely positive to me, I wrote it down or printed it out and kept it in that folder. And I would review it periodically so I could see that I didn’t always suck.

That helped a bit. At least it added a voice of reason in among the irrational ones. I one rated confidence on a scale of 1-10, I’d say in took me from a 2 to a 6.

To get any further, though, I’d somehow have to move away from the irrational fear, and that was hard to do. I couldn’t reason it away, because it was irrational, so all the years of therapy, while good, didn’t fix it.

In June 2010, I was sent to what I thought was a week-long leadership development conference. And it was that, but it was more. In fact, it was one of the most integrative experiences I’ve ever had.

I was introduced that week to a practice of mindfulness meditation. I was not prepared for that at all, but I thought it was cool and interesting and relaxing, and I generally made jokes about it and looked back on the week as an odd introduction to something a lot of people do. In fact, I know that I left with the intention to try to work some time for meditation into my routine.

From 6 to 10: learning to doubt the web of thoughts

Over the next year I dealt with a lot of uncertainty. My job was eliminated, I searched feverishly for another job through my severance period, expecting fully that starting in mid-November I would be without income (and generally without savings), but a temp position at the University was offered to me, and I continued building my network and going deeper with training my mind.

I say “training my mind” very intentionally, because so much of what I was doing then fit that exactly. I was changing my thinking about myself, about the people around me, about my future, about how people relate to each other, about how things happen.

Most importantly, I was beginning to learn how to step back from my thinking and look at it. Most of this came from the practice of meditation, and the more I read about how to be effective in the world, the more I realized that the meditation practice was helping me to be more effective.

I’ve continued learning and practicing. Nothing award-winningly consistent, but I’m cycling through things at my own pace and going deeper as I can.

I need a capacity to notice my thinking and step back from it. To be able to say, “Look at that, I am really making myself self-conscious / hostile / anxious / confused / angry (or whatever). I think I’ll stop and let that go.”

I write that in the present tense because I have always need it and still do. I’m now actually starting to see it happen. By practicing in meditation simply recognizing that I am thinking, labeling it as thinking, and letting it fade so I can re-focus on my breathing, I am developing a skill that I can use in daily life.

Having a practice has made a huge difference. The irrational thoughts still come up, but it’s like in the story of A Beautiful Mind, when the brilliant mathematician started managing his schizophrenia without medication. He learned to stop taking his thinking too seriously. He carefully identified who and what he could definitely trust and learned to question anything else.

The rest of us can learn to do that, too. Our thoughts and feelings are less severe but can be no less paralyzing. All of us, no matter who we are, create our experience of reality by how we think about it. When we can learn to question our own thinking, we can move away from being the victims of our worlds and find the power we carry.

We can go to 10.

If someone is driving you nuts, practice noticing what’s okay.

If you can develop an awareness of your filters and the impact they have on what you notice, you’ll go a long way toward lessening that sense of annoyance. But there’s more to do, and it means practicing some new skills.

Once you’ve come to the realization that your perspective is frequently limited to problems that need fixing, the next thing to do is to practice broadening that perspective.

Broadening your perspective is a process of learning to slow down. You’ve heard this before. “Stop and smell the roses.” Here’s how:

1. Practice reflecting on your emotional reactions to help you see your filters.

One of the easiest ways to begin noticing your filters in action is to notice your emotional reactions.

When we feel angry, anxious, worried, or irritated, our filters are in play in a way that makes them a little more visible. Likewise, when we suddenly relax, laugh, and smile, our filters are in play. We may not be able to see them while we are reacting, but we can begin to see them by taking time to reflect back.

For starters, take 15 minutes at the end of the day to reflect back on the day. When did you have a strong emotional reaction? (If you find that you don’t remember these moments easily, you might carry a little notebook and just make a short note for yourself when you notice a strong emotional reaction.)

Ask yourself these questions: What triggered the emotion? Note separately what you observed (saw, heard, smelled) and what you thought about it. (If you find this challenging, try the ABCDE method.) What did you think it meant when you saw what you saw (or heard what you heard)? What else could it mean?

Once in awhile, talk with someone else about those situations. It can really help if this is a friend who had less of an emotional reaction but observed the same event. Ask your friend what they saw or heard and what they thought it meant. Try to be curious during this time instead of telling them that they were wrong. Different people will see different things because they have different filters.

If you do this long enough, you can begin to see the difference between the “meaningful data” you selected to pay attention to, and other parts of the story. That will show you what your filter allows through and some of what it blocks.

2. Practice looking past your filters to “everything else.”

Modern middle-class life is all geared towards doing more in less time–always speeding up. The pace of change is constantly ramping up, requiring us to absorb what we can in shorter and shorter bursts of time. And, the less time you have to look at something, the less you can possibly see.

Looking past your filters requires slowing down. And, since it’s hard sometimes to have enough patience for popcorn to finish popping for two minutes in the microwave (without pursuing some distraction while we’re waiting that agonizing length of time), I usually recommend that people start by trying this for a very short period of time, like 5 or 10 minutes.

Looking past your filters means taking time to notice more, with the goal of noticing everything (which you can’t do, limited being that you are). Here’s some simple how-to advice.

3. Practice appreciation.

Because we are inclined to notice what’s wrong, problematic, and troublesome, we sometimes miss what’s good or even just “fine.” (Remember the unnoticed rose that bloomed so beautifully during the explosion, or the quietly sitting child whose sibling ran straight for a pit bull?)

Sometimes when we realize we’ve been ignoring something, we might decide to invent a problem that will motivate us to pay attention to it. (That quietly sitting child might be turning into a socially awkward serial killer!) But this isn’t necessary. We can actually give attention to those things that are good simply by devoting some time and effort to it through a practice of gratitude and/or appreciation.

(You can separate the child from the dog first and then thank the other child for sitting quietly. You don’t have to choose between safety awareness and appreciation.)

When we take a moment to share what we appreciate about someone, it affects us. We feel good, and we are more aware of the positive thing that we’ve taken time to recognize. If we make appreciation into a practice, we motivate ourselves to continue looking for the positive.

Because of the way we are wired to find negatives, the positives usually fly under the radar. When we take the time to look for these positives, we’re much more likely to find them. You will feel better, and probably they’ll actually become better with every piece of appreciation you give them. That happens, too. But that’s a different topic…

None of us is pure: good or evil. No matter how much someone bugs you, there’s more to them than what you see. Find a way to give them credit for the good that’s in them.

So someone is driving you crazy. Reprogram your filters

Most of us can think of someone who just drives us nuts. Wouldn’t it be great if you could actually do something to end the annoyance? Good news! You can! And you can do it without changing anybody but yourself. Here’s how.

Realize that your perspective is limited, that you notice only what you’re inclined to notice, and you are inclined to notice what is wrong. Then practice noticing more–including what is neutral and what is good.

That’s really all there is to it. If you’d like more detail, read on.

Come to terms with your individual perspective.

The first step to reprogramming your filters is to come to the realization that it’s your perspective that causes you to notice all of these problematic behaviors, actions, and attitudes.

1. Realize that there is more to life than what you notice–even right in front of you.

Remember Rain Man?

Raymond read the waitress’s name tag (something most of us ignore) and recited her phone number, which he’d read. He could look at a box of spilled toothpicks and, rather than seeing what the rest of us would see–a box of spilled toothpicks–he saw three groups of 82 toothpicks. Of course, 246 total.

While many of us may find this to be an amazing capability, it usually has a handicapping effect. Raymond was unable to filter out unimportant details. He could not set aside facts that the rest of us regularly ignore.

Humans are wonderfully adept at noticing what is important and filtering out what isn’t. This is a crucial skill, and without it we would be overwhelmed by unimportant data. But, this also means that we have blind spots and miss things. Ever misplaced your keys? Or suddenly saw something that hadn’t been there a second before? This is an experience of selective perception. There’s a lot of observable data in our environment. We only pick up on some of it.

2. Realize that what you notice is what your filters let through. And your filters are programmed.

Our filters are built up over time, and a lot goes into their programming. Memories, experiences, beliefs, and education are part of what create our filters.

Let’s say Alice was raised by a father who made comments around people with tattoos like “What a waste of money,” or “Don’t go near that man,” or “It’s such a shame that people have no respect for themselves.” Alice will probably avoid building relationships with people who have tattoos.

Now, if Alice had a boyfriend in high school who captured her heart–and later revealed that he had a tattoo that was really quite prettily done–that simple experience could completely alter Alice’s filters. She will notice them still, but now her attention might shift from simply distrusting the tattooed person to being intrigued by them.

Suppose Alice realized she had some stereotypes in mind about people with tattoos, and she decided to learn more. She read about how tattoos are done, about the different reasons why people have them done, and about their history. She spends time looking at different kinds of tattoos, learns what different ones mean in different cultures, and goes with friends to get their own. She will develop a much more refined filter, and now when she sees a tattoo, she will very quickly notice a lot more detail than ever did when she was young and spending time with her father.

As Alice became educated about tattoos, she probably also formed some beliefs about different kinds of people who get different kinds of tattoos. She may believe that someone with a large or intricate tattoo is more interesting than someone with a smaller tattoo–a belief that will cause her to be more likely to notice people with large/intricate tattoos than people with small tattoos. By contrast, she may decide that people who get small, subtle tattoos are more discerning, which will cause her to become more aware of people with small, subtle tattoos.

3. Realize that humans are inclined to notice what’s wrong.

Just like today’s vehicles, human beings are packed with safety features that come standard. Among them–we pick up on signals that there’s a problem in our environment.

If you were home on a quiet afternoon, reading your email, and heard an explosion outside near the house, you’d go look for a cause, on alert. And if a rose were quietly blooming in a vase on your table during that time, you would probably still pay more attention to what caused the explosion outside than you would the rose, no matter how beautiful it may be.

If you had two children and one was sitting quietly while the other was running toward an unfamiliar pit bull, you would pay more attention to the child running at the dog.

This same safety programming is in effect all of the time. Given any two stimuli, you will most likely pay attention to the one that strikes you as being the more troublesome. This was true of the explosion vs. the rose and the quiet vs. dog-loving children, and it’s equally true of personal behaviors, actions, and attitudes. We are much more likely to pay attention to anything that we find troublesome and much less likely to attend to those things we might call benign or even beneficial.

Most of us–especially those of us who have achieved some measure of success in our lives–stay stuck in problem-solving mode most of the time.

Next post: How to practice noticing more than your filters let through.

Solutions emerging from a fishbowl

I operate on a few principles that get results:

1. For new solutions, ideas, and strategies to emerge, we need to find a mid-point between order and chaos¹.
2. Asking questions with true curiosity helps us uncover more of the details, more of the system, more of our assumptions, and more possibilities².
3. We need to observe our reality before we can effectively change³.

A work group’s leadership asked me to help them address some challenges that had arisen in the ranks. They had faced change in their environments, and these leaders asked me to help them build community, ownership, and resilience.

I designed a retreat that would help the group members share stories, remember and practice tools they had for dealing with change, and build their own action plans. An activity I created⁴ to help them shift from remembering to practicing positive behaviors utilized these principles of emergence, disciplined questioning, and observation: a “fishbowl” exercise.

In the fishbowl, five volunteers from the group were asked to discuss an issue while the rest of the group silently observed.

I’d asked a member of the leadership team to volunteer for the fishbowl and prepared him for this role ahead of time. He was to present the topic for conversation and ask the other members of the group for help in addressing the problem.

The entire fishbowl group had been charged with exploring the topic, framing the problem in a way that they could actually solve, and begin preparing action steps. They also were given two ground rules: One, to make statements only in response to questions as often as they could, and Two, allow the facilitator (me) to intervene.

Observers had a charge as well: to look for positive evidence of certain positive behaviors–tools for dealing with change that the group had already learned.

After explaining to everyone in the room each set of roles and expectations so that all could visualize the whole, I asked the fishbowl group to begin. They discussed their topic for fifteen minutes without my intervention, and then I asked them to pause in their conversation to check the progress:

1. “Fishbowl group, what is working so far?”
2. “Observers, what positive behaviors (tools) in action have you seen so far?”
3. “Fishbowl group, what could you do to be even more effective?”

When we finished with this five-minute round of questions, the fishbowl participants finished their discussion.

The results were fantastic.

• The roles and charges for each group had created enough order to hold the chaos of a conversation I could not have predicted.
• The charge to ask questions had uncovered a plethora of assumptions most in the room had never realized were held.
• The opportunity to reflect on progress and identify effective steps forward helped them identify for themselves an important path out of confusion, and
• the presence of observers with the charge to watch for positive behaviors helped the fishbowl participants engage at a more effective level.

You can take advantage of these strategies right away by asking one person in each meeting to watch out for positive behaviors, using any set of tools they are familiar with (such as Covey’s 7 Habits). Ask everyone in the meeting to respect the observer’s role, defer to him/her when the process-check time comes up, and listen with curiosity. Ask the observer to stop the meeting 20-30 minutes in (if it’s an hour-long meeting) to prompt a process check with the three questions outlined above–offering observations in response to question #2.

After a few meetings, and participants have grown accustomed to the presence of the observer/facilitator, you may decide to give the observer/facilitator greater power by asking him/her to stop the group with the same questions and offer positive feedback whenever it seems stuck in an ineffective rut.

What do you think of this idea? Does it sound like something you could try?

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¹ This principle came to me from the Art of Hosting Meaningful Conversations. Read more and register here for training in Ohio.
² A great resource for this is Michael Marquart’s book on Action Learning.
³ I discussed the power of external observation (feedback) in my earlier post, “Stacy and Clinton, Communication Consultants.” I also recommend Doug Silbee’s page on habits and self-observation.
⁴ I gratefully acknowledge the input, perspective, and deep questions of Rick Livingston, whose feedback helped refine the design of this activity into something with far less order and better opportunities for emergence.

Learning in everyday life

Our world brings us more opportunities to learn now than ever before.  Books, newspapers, and television brought us a lot back when we were younger, but with the internet there is so much more.

This is old news.  Between Wikipedia and Ted, there are very few excuses left for not expanding our horizons every day.

How can you manage in this sea of opportunity?  Know whether or not you are learning, and maximize the opportunity.

Let’s look at three learning opportunities.

Moment of insight

What it looks like:  Epiphany.  Suddenly it all makes sense.  It clicks.  Eureka!  Either you are suddenly comprehending new information and it’s creating a new picture for you, or you are combining ideas in a way that is completely new to you.

Why it happens: This is the moment of true learning.  Neurons in your brain have established a new connection.  (Perhaps you learned the lesson before and forgot.  In that case, the neurons had connected and then later disconnected from lack of use/review.  You have had a new insight about the same thing, so the neurons re-connect.)  Your brain literally gets a charge from the experience.

The results:  The new insight is yours to keep for as long as you will use or review it.  However, if you don’t review it, practice it, or use it in some other way, you’ll lose it.

How to maximize the opportunity:  When these moments of insight occur, unless you have no need to keep the information in the long term, write it down.  If you can’t write it in the moment, develop a practice of writing down your lessons learned every day.  Keep a notebook handy so you can keep track of these insights.  Don’t worry too much about categorizing them.  Write down just enough to remind yourself what it was when you review it.

You understand the information.

What it looks like: It isn’t exciting, but you follow.  You comprehend.  There’s no tingle, but there’s also no confusion, fear, or withdrawal.  You’re there with the information.

Why it happens:  This is a review.  Synapses have already fired; neurons have already connected.

The results:  In this review, your brain is gaining one truly valuable piece of information, which is that the information you learned earlier is still important, so it should be kept.  The result is not forgetting.

How to maximize the opportunity:  Review those earlier insights.  Keep that notebook with you and in moments of opportunity, read back over the exciting ah-ha moments.  This will keep you from forgetting them, even though it won’t be as exciting as it was when you learned them.  (If you forget them, it will require a new insight.  We’ve all been there.)

The information you are receiving is going nowhere.

What it looks like: You read a sentence and have no idea what it means.  Or someone speaks to you and you’re completely lost.   The graphic you see is meaningless.

The results: You check out.  Zone out.  Think about something else.  Look for something else.

Why it happens: The information you are receiving is new and unfamiliar.  You haven’t been introduced to enough about the subject to be able to add onto the subject with this new information.  You can’t learn it because your neurons have no connections for it to connect into. Learning has to be sequential. We have to learn the A track before we can learn the B track. You can’t go straight to Z.

Why it’s a danger:  In the internet age, we tend to think that we don’t need to learn new facts, because we can just go find them when we need them.  But if we don’t know enough of the basic framework into which these facts belong, finding the information doesn’t help us at all.  If you don’t know physics, you can’t build a rocket ship.  If you don’t know chemistry, you can’t create the cure for cancer even if you stumble upon it.

How to maximize the opportunity:  If a subject interests you, do study it.  Give yourself as much opportunity to build neurological connections as possible so that you can continue to understand and learn new information.

Should you write down information you don’t understand into your notes?  No.  It’s a waste of time.  Write down only moments of insight.  If necessary, write down some information that you know will be review info but only if you know it’s necessary to provide context for what is meant by the insight you wrote down.

Review your insights notebook regularly.  At least once a week–probably more.  This will help you remember your new insights so you won’t have to re-learn them and have that horrible feeling that, if you’d learned your lesson the last time, you wouldn’t be in this mess now.

Stacy and Clinton, Communication Consultants

Stacy London and Clinton Kelly, hosts of What Not to Wear on TLC

If you’re a fan of TLC’s What Not to Wear, you already know that Stacy London and Clinton Kelly know fashion. (If you’re not a fan of the show, bear with me–you may be surprised by the content of this post.)

Chances are, even fans haven’t given much thought to Stacy and Clinton’s other area of expertise: Coaching and Feedback. Stacy and Clinton demonstrate potent assessment, feedback, and coaching that effectively changes behavior. They show that mutual purpose, general guidelines, and checking in with the client’s thinking and emotions are the keys to coaching for behavioral change.

Mutual Purpose

A communication consultant has the job of assessing current communication behavior and results, and then making recommendations for how to change those communication behaviors in order to achieve more desirable results. Those desirable results are the foundation of mutual purpose.

Here’s how mutual purpose is established on the show.  In a recent episode, an average woman who is comfortable in her drab, shapeless work attire–and who is failing to get positive results with the professionals she needs to impress–was nominated by her friends and coworkers to be a guest on the show. Nominations are examined for the gap between current and desired results, and this gap becomes an important part of establishing mutual purpose.

If you’ve ever tried to lose weight, you know that true behavior change does not start with identifying and resolving to engage new behaviors. If you’ve been successful at losing weight, you know that true behavior change begins with an insight akin to shock about how continuing your old behaviors will get you results you can’t tolerate any more.

A coach can induce that sense of shocking insight, as demonstrated by Stacy and Clinton:

1. Hold up a mirror. A coach helps the client see what their behavior actually is and enlist people close to the client to offer feedback about their results.  On the show, this is “hidden video” and interviews with friends and coworkers, and sometimes even a significant other.
2. Ask the client questions to explore current behavior. What’s the thinking? Why do you do it that way? Fans of the show will recognize “the 360 mirror” segment in which guests talk about an outfit and why they like it, and the reality checks offered by Stacy and Clinton.
3. Connect current behavior to current results. Sometimes we have a hard time seeing how what we do actually drives what is happening in our lives.  I’ve literally heard people complain that they can’t lose weight despite their “diet” which they ignore regularly and which isn’t supported by exercise.

In the 360, Stacy and Clinton show their guest that their fashion choices are contributing to the undesirable results described by friends.  (For instance, the guest doesn’t want to look fat, so they wear baggy clothes–which makes them look larger than they actually are.)

Offer general guidelines within which to make new, effective choices

Mutual purpose firmly established, and the gap between current behavior and desired results clear to the client, it’s time to offer wisdom and suggestions for future behavior.

When Stacy and Clinton move on to coach for better results, they show their guest a sample, completed outfit and talk about some rules they believe the guest needs to learn and follow when they go shopping.  They might suggest structured jackets, brighter colors, or certain lines.  The suggestions follow simple criteria:

1. Following them will lead to desired results.
2. They are general enough to be applicable in a variety of circumstances and with varied resources.

Check in regularly to understand thinking and emotions

During the initial consultation in which mutual purpose is established, hidden thoughts and feelings can start to inhibit progress.  It is the consultant’s job to uncover these obstacles and deal with them right away so the client can recognize what is inhibiting their ability to change and let it go.

Stacy and Clinton bring these hidden thoughts and emotions to light in the 360 through tentative checks for assumptions (“It sounds like you think ____________”) and through a regular practice of empathy (“Do you feel _________ about yourself?”). These questions frequently explore their guest’s assumptions about their own capabilities, resources, and worthiness.

This emotional checking in is powerful, because the emotions are not only the source of the consultant-client rapport and trust, but the emotional information carries with it the biggest obstacles to changing behavior. In response to emotional information, the coach can offer a reality check about how the client’s thinking or assumptions do not lead to their intended results.

Even in the coaching stage, Stacy and Clinton follow up their specific, generalizable fashion rules by checking in in on their guest’s emotions. “How do you feel about this? Does this seem like something you could try?” This inquiry process exposes areas of resistance to change. The What Not To Wear hosts are compassionate and empathetic, but still offer different thinking to support a change in behavior.

Whether you are in training, management, consulting, or even sales–any profession where influencing another’s behavior is critical to your success–you can pick up important lessons from Stacy and Clinton’s example. Keep mutual purpose (the desired results) and general guidelines (the content of your coaching) at the center of every coaching session, and regularly check in with your trainee’s, client’s, employee’s, or customer’s emotions and thinking. This is information you need (and that they need to air) about their ability to follow your guidelines.

How do you feel about this? Does this seem like something you could do?

Values and Personal Effectiveness

If you watch figure skaters, you’ve seen them spin.

Have you ever wondered how they stay upright when they spin like that? Why they don’t fall and crash like drunken revelers overcome with dizziness?

It’s because they’ve perfected a technique of focus that keeps them grounded to a single spot. Their bodies whirl around, but their awareness is on one single place. Because their awareness is grounded, they don’t have the sensation of dizziness. Instead, they get to experience stillness despite the spin.

This world is changing pretty fast. As things spin out of control, it’s easy for our awareness to become scattered and throw us off balance. We need a way of staying grounded, focused on a single, still point.

One such method is a set of values, written down and frequently reviewed.

I believe we all have values. Some people learn their values from their parents, teachers, or church. For some, values come from harder realities of survival. Sometimes the hard part is just knowing what those values are.

Make a list

Find some paper or open up window for typing a list. Title it: My personal values list.

Start by listing any values you remember developing as a child, youth, or young adult.

If you struggle, it may help to review some others’ lists. Here are a couple of options. A list of 377 values — I would suggest that, if you go with this list, perhaps one of your values is “choice.” Alternatively, a list of 118 values — which seems plenty to me.

Select 5-10 that seem most important or relevant to you.

These are the ones I chose for myself:
1. Accountability
2. Authenticity
3. Growth
4. Concern for Others
5. Excellence
6. Diversity
7. Serenity

Define what they mean for you

This list of words is good, but values are much more powerful when we define them for ourselves. Your definitions will be most effective when they can describe actual behaviors.

Here are my definitions. Some of mine describe behaviors. Some don’t.
1. Accountability: Focus on solutions rather than blame
2. Authenticity: Be real
3. Growth: Value incremental growth/progress
4. Concern for others: Care for the whole person
5. Excellence: Create the best product you can
6. Diversity: Build a varied and balanced team
7. Serenity: Find balance

Keep the list where you’ll see it, read it, remember it

When the world is spinning, sometimes we get off balance and we struggle to do what we know is best.

Recently, I had a situation at work where I received the results of someone else’s less-than-perfect efforts. At first I complained and whined, until I noticed my values list. “Focus on solutions rather than blame.” My grounded self reached out a hand to stabilize me. I let go of the whining and figured out what solutions I could focus on.

Review and revise the list when it makes sense to do so

A figure skater doesn’t use a single focal point for the entire performance. They may move from one side of the rink to the other between spins, and thus need to choose a new focal point for each spin.

Like that skater, your life and perspective will vary over time, so the way you define each value may need to be adjusted. Your values, however, are constant. My “diversity” principle needs to be rewritten because I no longer manage a team, but diversity is still a value for me.

Your world is turning. Take some time this holiday season, especially as we look ahead to a new year, and identify the values you know you can ground yourself to. Define them. Or pull out the old list and polish it up for 2011. Put them up where you’ll see them and can hold yourself accountable to them.

They will help you stay on your feet.

Art of Hosting at Ohio State

About a year ago, I attended a training session in something called “the Art of Hosting Meaningful Conversations.” Being in training was eye-opening. Until then, my experience of conversation had mostly been experiences of non-listening. Structures, content, and directions, yes–but listening? No.

In training I found my voice. For the first time in years, I could speak with intention, and I was truly listening (and being listened to) with attention.

Art of Hosting training starts, at one level, with conversational methodologies, directions you can follow for creating the conditions for conversation. At another level in the Art of Hosting are principles. Some of these include:

1. Take time to carefully select questions, because questions matter. Some questions (yes or no? this or that?) will prompt a decision, but will not prompt conversation. More challenging questions prompt conversation, surface deeper thinking, explore more insights, and take more time.
2. Create enough order to create a safe place, but not so much order that it stifles creativity. Where chaos and order overlap is the place where new things emerge. If you want to break out of the old and create something new, you need this emergent space. Creating it is the job of a host.
3. Be comfortable with emergence. When you ask good questions, you won’t know what the answers are going to be. In contrast to the advice given to lawyers, getting people talking means never asking a question that you already know the answer to. Being comfortable with emergence means listening for understanding, accepting that sometimes uncomfortable ideas will arise, and letting go of control.

At The Ohio State University, faculty members and staff members have engaged these methodologies and principles for the purpose of creating new ways of being together, of working together for common purpose.

This week, yet more Ohio State faculty and staff are being trained in the Art of Hosting. My friend Rick Livingston is there with them as a member of the host team. In a message to me, sent this past weekend, he wrote:

For me, the art of hosting comes down to posing the question: how do we bring people together? It’s a question that resonates on all levels, from the most practical (what’s a good way to arrange the room?) to the most profound (how can we be together?).

We don’t often reflect on these questions, usually taking for granted that they’ve already been answered. But take the time to think through them, and the ground starts to shift beneath your feet. Everything–from casual conversation to calling a meeting to changing an institution–becomes more purposeful and full of possibility.

That’s where the art–the skill, the practice, the power — of hosting comes in, as something to work on and get better at. It becomes–and I mean this literally–a life’s work.

Imagine your next faculty meeting as a place where someone had taken time to create the conditions for truly bringing people together, beyond putting a meeting on your calendar–a place where voices are heard and respected, where new ideas are explored. Imagine leaving a staff meeting with the belief that others truly listened to you and that you truly listened to others.

It’s worth exploring, isn’t it?

How to use communication to develop your career

If you work for an organization as an employee, whose responsibility is it to shape your career?

If you said “mine,” you’re right on target. But why?

Because only you can determine what it is that you most want to do, what you are best at doing, and therefore what will bring you the most success.

The old model used to be simple: You get a job in the mail room. (Right? Doesn’t everybody start “in the mail room”?) You learn who people are and you start to make your connections. You talk to the old boys in the washroom and show how smart you are about business, and then when space opens up somewhere you get promoted. Eventually you’re Vice President and gunning for the Big Guy’s seat.

Or am I the only one who saw The Secret of My Success?

Life usually looks somewhat different. We land a job of some kind–usually doing something process oriented that doesn’t take advantage of our skills, and we hope for something better. Some folks seem to move into their dream job from there, and some folks never get out.

What’s the difference? Is it the employer who is deciding who gets to fulfill a dream and who doesn’t?

No–it’s the individual employee. And here’s how they do it:

1. They get to know themselves. This takes effort and conversation–with yourself and with others! You have to know what you love and what you hate and what just doesn’t matter to you. And you need to know where you rock and where you… don’t rock. You need a strong, working knowledge of your abilities and skills. And once you know these things, you need to invest in development for yourself.

2. They communicate their self-understanding to others. They let folks–their boss, their mentor(s), their coworkers–and anyone else who seems relevant–know, “this is what I believe I could do well, so I want to develop in that area.” And they ask questions. “What advice do you have for me?

In my current position, I’ve been having these conversations a lot. And when I find someone doing something I think is pretty cool, I follow up with another important question: “Is there any way I could learn more about that from you?” Maybe I could be of support or assistance in a project; maybe I could sit in on a meeting. Maybe I could read some of the books on their shelf.

But be careful! You’ll still need to:

Decide what not to do. When you’re doing this, you can find such cool opportunities that you wind up spreading yourself too thin. Eventually you have to figure out what you’re not going to do–and unless you have the freedom to work for free, you can’t choose not to do the job you’re paid to do.

It’s also critical to keep open communication with your boss/supervisor. If you take on a new project, either do it on your own time or get clearance from your boss to do it (or both). Chances are, if you can continue to get the results you need to get in your own job, the answer will be yes. Just don’t neglect protocol.

Track everything you do. When you do participate in these side projects or take advantage of other opportunities, be sure to make note of the relationships you’re building, the knowledge, skills, and abilities you’re gathering, and the experience you’re gaining. Share all of these with your boss and keep track of them in a version of your resume that lists everything.

Developing all these skills won’t help you much if you forget you have them.

With self-awareness, open communication, and focus on the things that matter most, you can take on a lot of control of your own career. Get out there and get to it! And let me know how it goes.

Listen with attention

Over the last few days, I have again learned the importance of listening with attention, especially as regards organizational functioning.  This is true for any organization, whether a business, a nonprofit, a church, or a family.

To see an organization that functions very successfully, check out this video.  (There is no sound track.)

These natural organizations function so effectively and adapt so rapidly because the members follow rules that allow them to do so as they attend to each other’s signals.

In the natural world, there are flocks of birds, swarms of bees, herds of cattle, and schools of fish that follow rules that are simple and effective.  Some of these rules include “head the same direction” (alignment), “stick close together but not too close,” and “avoid predators.”  These rules allow them to respond remarkably well to changes in their environment while still achieving amazing results like migrations, appearing larger than they are, and finding safety in numbers.

Among groups of people in modern life, we unfortunately create rules that are rigid and presume the worst.  If like a detective you were to take the time to uncover the source of a rule, you would frequently find a story of someone who “ruined it for everyone,” displacing trust with a rule.  Eventually we amass too many rules for too many situations.  For instance, instead of offering basic orientation to “eat lunch in the picnic area,” we list rules for all of the places not to eat lunch.

Rules for working with people, to promote organizational functioning, are necessary nonetheless, but we need to take cues from our friends in the animal kingdom and instead make our rules simple and effective.  I propose these, drawn from “The Art of Hosting Meaningful Conversations.”

1. Speak with intention
2. Listen with attention
3. Tend to the well-being of the group

How would our group interactions change if we spoke only what was the truth of our hearts and listened to others with respect and attention?  How would our group interactions change if we tended to the wellbeing of the group instead of just ourselves?

This can mean a significant shift in culture.  To me, it seems worthwhile.