If you can develop an awareness of your filters and the impact they have on what you notice, you’ll go a long way toward lessening that sense of annoyance. But there’s more to do, and it means practicing some new skills.
Once you’ve come to the realization that your perspective is frequently limited to problems that need fixing, the next thing to do is to practice broadening that perspective.
Broadening your perspective is a process of learning to slow down. You’ve heard this before. “Stop and smell the roses.” Here’s how:
1. Practice reflecting on your emotional reactions to help you see your filters.
One of the easiest ways to begin noticing your filters in action is to notice your emotional reactions.
When we feel angry, anxious, worried, or irritated, our filters are in play in a way that makes them a little more visible. Likewise, when we suddenly relax, laugh, and smile, our filters are in play. We may not be able to see them while we are reacting, but we can begin to see them by taking time to reflect back.
For starters, take 15 minutes at the end of the day to reflect back on the day. When did you have a strong emotional reaction? (If you find that you don’t remember these moments easily, you might carry a little notebook and just make a short note for yourself when you notice a strong emotional reaction.)
Ask yourself these questions: What triggered the emotion? Note separately what you observed (saw, heard, smelled) and what you thought about it. (If you find this challenging, try the ABCDE method.) What did you think it meant when you saw what you saw (or heard what you heard)? What else could it mean?
Once in awhile, talk with someone else about those situations. It can really help if this is a friend who had less of an emotional reaction but observed the same event. Ask your friend what they saw or heard and what they thought it meant. Try to be curious during this time instead of telling them that they were wrong. Different people will see different things because they have different filters.
If you do this long enough, you can begin to see the difference between the “meaningful data” you selected to pay attention to, and other parts of the story. That will show you what your filter allows through and some of what it blocks.
2. Practice looking past your filters to “everything else.”
Modern middle-class life is all geared towards doing more in less time–always speeding up. The pace of change is constantly ramping up, requiring us to absorb what we can in shorter and shorter bursts of time. And, the less time you have to look at something, the less you can possibly see.
Looking past your filters requires slowing down. And, since it’s hard sometimes to have enough patience for popcorn to finish popping for two minutes in the microwave (without pursuing some distraction while we’re waiting that agonizing length of time), I usually recommend that people start by trying this for a very short period of time, like 5 or 10 minutes.
Looking past your filters means taking time to notice more, with the goal of noticing everything (which you can’t do, limited being that you are). Here’s some simple how-to advice.
3. Practice appreciation.
Because we are inclined to notice what’s wrong, problematic, and troublesome, we sometimes miss what’s good or even just “fine.” (Remember the unnoticed rose that bloomed so beautifully during the explosion, or the quietly sitting child whose sibling ran straight for a pit bull?)
Sometimes when we realize we’ve been ignoring something, we might decide to invent a problem that will motivate us to pay attention to it. (That quietly sitting child might be turning into a socially awkward serial killer!) But this isn’t necessary. We can actually give attention to those things that are good simply by devoting some time and effort to it through a practice of gratitude and/or appreciation.
(You can separate the child from the dog first and then thank the other child for sitting quietly. You don’t have to choose between safety awareness and appreciation.)
When we take a moment to share what we appreciate about someone, it affects us. We feel good, and we are more aware of the positive thing that we’ve taken time to recognize. If we make appreciation into a practice, we motivate ourselves to continue looking for the positive.
Because of the way we are wired to find negatives, the positives usually fly under the radar. When we take the time to look for these positives, we’re much more likely to find them. You will feel better, and probably they’ll actually become better with every piece of appreciation you give them. That happens, too. But that’s a different topic…
None of us is pure: good or evil. No matter how much someone bugs you, there’s more to them than what you see. Find a way to give them credit for the good that’s in them.
